An offhand comment made when you first meet someone may, in retrospect, be obviously representative of a large character defect (or virtue). But people remain themselves at every moment. Assessing a person's character, on the other hand, takes months to years. A person's personality becomes apparent in mere hours to days. Silence gets you out of the way and creates a space others will fill in with themselves. A clear view into the hearts of others.Besides, how often are we really able to influence another's behavior or beliefs by what we say? You learn nothing by saying something (which by definition you already know). Remember that listening is far more powerful than speaking. And if you can stop focusing on what you want to say when listening (don't worry it won't go anywhere you can't find it) and instead concentrate entirely on what's being said to you, then silence won't just bring you a new skill it will bring you new knowledge. You'll be surprised how much your ability to concentrate will improve. If you can't resist thinking about what you want to say when listening, focus instead specifically on being silent. Most of us engage in listening only as a way of waiting until it's our turn to speak. With the caveat that power can always be abused, the effective use of silence can bestow many gifts, chief among them: And if an objection is legitimate, how can I decide how to deal with it-attempt to counter it or make an alternative recommendation-if I don't know what it is? Listening first enables me to either allay a patient's unjustified fears or understand their legitimate objections. One patient with a clear need for a cardiac catheterization refused it not out of a fear of possible complications as I'd presumed but because he didn't think he could lie flat for the required six hours afterward. ![]() But when I silence myself and listen first, I often learn my preconceived notions about why I'm being refused are wrong. Rarely do I see a doctor pause first to ask why the patient is refusing. When patients refuse recommended tests or therapies, doctors typically respond by launching into arguments designed to make their advice clearer. And skipping this step isn't limited to the business world, either. How else, she argues, can she be sure when she does propose space solutions that she's meeting her clients' needs? One would think every real estate broker would do this, but she finds herself continually astounded (and pleased) by how few of her competitors actually do. My wife, a commercial real estate broker, markets the effective use of silence as a "discovery session" she holds with all her clients, saying almost nothing about herself or her strategies for finding them office space until after she's listened thoroughly to their business requirements and issues they find important. That is, if you can force yourself to listen before giving into the impulse to speak. Silence can make you more effective at your job. ![]() And at least one study has shown we're more likely to remember the correct answer to a question if we're told it after guessing incorrectly than if we're told it after refusing to venture a guess at all. As I learned from my experience as a resident, if you can become comfortable enduring the harsh thud of silence once you've thrown out a question, training yourself to wait far beyond the point that feels comfortable, someone will crack before you do and try to answer your question. ![]()
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